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Jokes
16 July 2014 17:27 Post ID: #344050 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
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Alcohol is never the answer.
But it does make you forget the question.
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My Doctor told me to watch my drinking.
So now I drink in front of a mirror.
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I had a lot to drink at the bar last night so I took a bus home.
Never knew I could drive a Bus.
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Whats the Difference between the 'G Spot' and a bottle of Jack Daniels.
A bloke will actually look for the Jack Daniels.
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A mans idea of a balanced diet.
A beer in each hand.
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17 July 2014 17:44 Post ID: #344077 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
What do toys and womens breasts have in common.

They were both made for kids, but dads like to play with them.
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Whats the difference between your wife and your Job.

After five years your Job still sucks.
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17 July 2014 18:24 Post ID: #344078 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Patrick went in to a chemist one day, reaching into his jacket pocket,
he took out a bottle, with a whisky label on the front, and a teaspoon.
He poured some of the amber liquid on the the teaspoon and offered it
to the chemist.
The chemist took the spoon, put it in his mouth, swilled it around, then
swallowed it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" asks Patrick.
" No, not at all." answers the chemist.

" Oh thats a relief, " replies Patrick, " the Doctor told me to come here
and get my urine tested for sugar."
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19 July 2014 14:09 Post ID: #344152 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Whats the difference between David Beckham and Posh Spice.
Posh doesn't kick back when taken from behind.
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What Book does most women love the best.
Their husbands Cheque Book.
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Teacher: When is the boiling point reached.
Student: When my mum see's my report card.
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22 July 2014 18:23 Post ID: #344261 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Wife asks her Husband, " Will you still Love me when I'm old and overweight?"
Her Husband replies, " Of course I do."

Ambulance please.....
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22 July 2014 18:29 Post ID: #344262 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A married couple had six children, as a joke the husband started calling his wife ' Mother of six'. At first his wife was amused by this, but after a few years of " Mother of six , whats for dinner. Mother of six, wheres my beer," and so on, she was fed up with it.
Finally, while attending a party, she heard from across the room, " Mother of six, it's time to go."
In an equally loud voice she replied. " Be right with you Father of one."
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22 July 2014 19:58 Post ID: #344280 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A Bloke says to his wife one day, " your backside is getting bigger, it's bigger
than the BBQ grill. She says nothing.
Later in bed, he starts to make advances to her, but she brushes him off.
" Whats up" he asks.
She replies, " Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big Ass grill for one
tiny little chipolata."
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25 July 2014 14:43 Post ID: #344397 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A woman arrives at a party, looking around she
notices a very handsome man standing alone.
Going up to him she says, " Hi, my name is Carmen,
a name I give myself as it embodies my two favorite
things. Cars and Men."
" Hi " he replied, " the names B.J. Titsengolf."
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25 July 2014 14:46 Post ID: #344398 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Patrick and Michael stagger out of the Zoo,
blood pouring from them.
" stuff that" says Patrick, "thats the last time
I go Lion Dancing."
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27 July 2014 21:18 Post ID: #344531 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
I phoned the local Ramblers club today.
This bloke just went on and on.
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I opened the fridge because I thought I heard
the onions singing a Bee Gees song.
It was only the Chives talking.
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02 August 2014 12:52 Post ID: #344757 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Whats a Catholic Priest and a pint of Guiness got in common.

A Black coat, a white collar, and watch your a**e if you get a dodgy one.
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Patrick is shocked at finding out his cows have Blue tongue.

" Be Gorra, " he said, " I didn,t even know they had mobile phones.
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Michael and Patrick are reading head stones in the local cemetery.
" Crikey " sad Michael, " theres a bloke here who was 152."
" What was his name," asks Patrick.
Michael replies, " Miles from London."
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10 August 2014 20:50 Post ID: #345453 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A farmer see's a bloke drinking from his stream and shouts
" You don,t want to be drinking from that stream lad, it's full
of Horse p**s and Cow cr*p."
The bloke replies, " Sorry I from Pakistan, speak slower please."
The Farmer says, " If - you - cup - it - with - both - hands - you
won't - spill - any."
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15 August 2014 21:08 Post ID: #345828 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A Professor of Mathematics sent a text to his wife, it read,
Dear Wife, as a 54 year old woman and are no longer able to
satisfy the needs I have, as a wife you are perfect in all other
aspects, so I hope you will not be hurt or offended , that, by the
time you get this note, I will be in the Grand Hotel with my 18 year
old Teaching Assistant. I shall be home by midnight.
your loving Husband

When he arrived at the hotel he found a fax awaiting him. It read,
Dear Husband, you too are 54 years old and by the time you get
this Fax, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old
pool boy. Being a Professor of Mathematics, you will appreciate
that 18 goes in to 54 a lot more times than 54 goes in to 18.
Don't wait up.
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15 August 2014 22:01 Post ID: #345834 - in reply to #332427
Leeds United legend
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Thread exhausted - Start a new one
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