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Jokes
19 January 2014 15:57 Post ID: #332786 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
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Did you hear about the new speeding penalty in Bolton.

For a first offence you get Bolton Wanderers Tickets.

A second offence they make you use them.
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20 January 2014 01:07 Post ID: #332811 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
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Husband and Wife are trying to decide a new Password for the Computer, Husband puts in Mypenis, Wife falls about laughing,

Computer says Error, not long enough.
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20 January 2014 14:53 Post ID: #332829 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
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In an attempt to thwart Bird Flu, America has decided to bomb the Canary islands, Turkey is next.
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21 January 2014 02:23 Post ID: #332860 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
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A baby shark swimming up the coast with his Dad, He asks his dad " why do we swim round people with our fins showing before we eat them , why don't we just attack."

The wise of dad Says " they taste better without the s**t inside them".

Edited by leeds1975 21/1/2014 02:25
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21 January 2014 02:31 Post ID: #332861 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
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LIVERPOOL

Two scouse kids in a car without any music, who is driving.

A policeman.

What do you call a 30 year old scouse women,

Granny.

What do you call a souse girl in a white tracksuit.

The Bride.

Whats the most confusing day in Liverpool.

Fathers Day.
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21 January 2014 02:41 Post ID: #332862 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
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A woman visited a Psychic of local repute, in a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the tarot cards laid out in front of her, she prepares to deliver the bad news, "There is no easy way to say this so I will just be blunt, prepare to be a widow, your husband is going to die a violent death."

Visibly shaken, she looks at the psychic's wrinkled old face, then at the tarot cards and finally at her own hands.

Taking a deep breath to compose herself,
She simply had to know.

Meeting the tarot readers steady glaze she asked, "will I get away with it".
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22 January 2014 15:10 Post ID: #332918 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
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What did the Hurricane say to the palm tree.?

Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job.
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22 January 2014 15:15 Post ID: #332919 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
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One day a little boy wrote to Santa, " please send me a little brother ".

Santa wrote back " OK please send me your mother."


Why is Santa so jolly.

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
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22 January 2014 15:28 Post ID: #332920 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
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Boy, " want to hear the joke about my dick? never mind its too long."
Girl," want to hear the joke about my pussy? never mind you won't get it."

Why do men get their best ideas in bed, because their plugged into a genius.


Why did God give men penises.

So they would have at least one way to shut a woman up.


Why do women rub their eyes in the morning.

because they've got no balls to scratch.
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22 January 2014 20:23 Post ID: #332939 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
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There was a Japanese man who went to America sightseeing, on the last day he called a cab to take him to the Airport. During the journey a honda passed the taxi, the man leaned out of the taxi and shouted "Honda very fast, made in Japan". a little while later a toyota sped pass, again he leaned out of the window and shouted
" Toyota very fast, made in Japan"
Then a mitsubishi sped pass, for the third time he leaned and shouted
" Mitsubishi very fast, made in Japan"
The driver was a little angry but kept quiet.
This carried on for quite a few cars. Finally they reached the Airport, the fare was $300

The Japanese man asked "why so expensive"

The driver replied " Meter very fast Made in Japan".

Edited by leeds1975 22/1/2014 20:24
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22 January 2014 20:31 Post ID: #332940 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
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An Asian man walks into a currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $75.
The following week he walks into the same exchange with another 2000 yen, this time he gets $66.
He asks the Lady Why he got less this week than last week,

She answers "fluctuations "

He replies " Fluc you clazy Amelicans too"
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22 January 2014 20:50 Post ID: #332941 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
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An old man goes to a Wizard and asks " Can you remove a curse I,ve been living with for 40 years"
The wizard says " maybe, but first you must tell me the exact words that were used to put this curse on you"

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you Man and Wife".
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23 January 2014 15:18 Post ID: #332955 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
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Marriage.

Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence, a life sentence.

Marriage is Love, Love is Blind, therefore marriage is an institution for the Blind.

Marriage puts a ring on a womans finger and two under the mans eyes.

Marriage requires a man to prepare for 3 rings
Engagement Ring
Wedding Ring
and
SuffeRing.
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23 January 2014 15:21 Post ID: #332956 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
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Son, "How much does it cost to get married Dad."

Dad," I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."
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24 January 2014 20:25 Post ID: #333052 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
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Manchester United manager David Moyes has promised their supporters they will be in a European competition next year.........

Even if he has to write the song himself.
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24 January 2014 20:36 Post ID: #333055 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
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Politicians and Nappies have the same thing in common.

They both need changing regularly and for the same reason.
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24 January 2014 20:58 Post ID: #333058 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
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Murphy's Laws

Law of Mechanical repair - The moment you get grease all over your hands, your nose will itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any nut, bolt, screw, tool when dropped will roll to the most inaccessible corner of the room.

Law of Probability - The Probability of you being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, it is never engaged and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi - If you are late for work and tell your boss you had a flat tire, the very next day you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law - If you change Lines/ Traffic Lanes, the one you were in will move faster.
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