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Jokes
19 June 2014 03:45 Post ID: #342770 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A man is sitting alone in an Airport Lounge, a beautiful woman comes in and sits at
the table next to him. Being that she is wearing a uniform he decides she must be
an off duty Air Stewardess.
He decides to try and pick her up by identifying the Airline she works for, hoping that
would impress her.
He leans across and tries the British Airways motto, " To Fly. To Serve."
The woman looks at him blankly, so he tries another one,this time its Air France,
" Winning the Hearts of the World."
Again nothing. This time he tries the Malaysian motto.
" Going beyond Expectations."
The woman looks at him, a p**sed off look on her face. " what the F**k do you want."

"Ah Ha, " he says.

" Ryanair."
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20 June 2014 20:59 Post ID: #342835 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Cheesey one,

What makes a forum.
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2 ums + 2 ums.
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20 June 2014 21:22 Post ID: #342836 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
The old man had tried to use Hospital Toilet several times, but each time someone had beaten
him to it, a nurse having witnessed his predicament, told him he could use the ladies if he liked,
but NOT to touch any of the buttons.
" Thank you" he said, "and I promise not to push any of the buttons."

Having finished his business, he sat back and looked at the buttons he was not supposed to push.
They were marked, WW, WA, PP, and ATR.

He thought to himself, who's going to know. So he did.

First up WW, A Warm spray of water massaged his buttocks, bring a smile to his face.
Nothing like this in the gents he thought.

WA was next, and a warm gentle breeze dried his neither regions to perfection.

He was so pleased he couldn't press PP fast enough. A delicate power puff came from who knows
where and gently caressed his bits, and just as he was enjoying this, a fine spray of French perfume
touched him, here, there and everywhere.

He was in heaven. He couldn't resist, he had to press ATR.

He woke some hours later, a nurse was hovering over him.

" I told you not to touch the buttons." she admonished him.
" ATR means Automatic Tampon Remover, your penis is under your pillow."
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22 June 2014 20:11 Post ID: #342885 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
There was a big row in the Irish Olympic Sychronised Swimming Team after Michael accused Patrick of copying
him.
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The Queens Corgi's are glad Prince Philip is back at Buck House.

Now they won't get blamed for peeing on the sofa.
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Did you hear about the over weight, drunk transvestite.

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
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Wife says to Husband, " you only ever want sex when you are drunk."

Husnad replies. " thats not true, sometimes I want a kebab."
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22 June 2014 20:23 Post ID: #342886 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
36 inch DD Breasts covered in warm Belgium chocolate.
1 inch erect nipples pierced with 14 carat gold rings topped
with whipped cream.
Clean shaven F***y smothered in Blackberry Jam.

This is not ordinary porn.

This is M&S porn.
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28 June 2014 02:57 Post ID: #343109 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A husband, his wife and their two children were stuck up stairs in
their somerset home, cut off from the outside world by the flood
waters. They had been there for two weeks, when along came a
Red Cross worker in his boat.
" Great," said the husband, " have you come to rescue us."

"No," said the worker, " we are collecting donations for Syria."
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28 June 2014 13:47 Post ID: #343135 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Three Blokes go to a ski lodge for their annual ski feast.
Due to a shortage of rooms, they end up sharing a bed.
In the middle of the night, all three wake up. The Bloke
on the right said," I had a really vivid dream I was getting
a handjob."
The Bloke on the left said, " that's strange, I had the exact
same dream."
The Bloke in the middle piped up. "That's funny, I had a dream
I was skiing."
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03 July 2014 16:42 Post ID: #343354 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
What gets longer when its pulled, fits between Breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked.
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A seat belt.
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03 July 2014 17:02 Post ID: #343355 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Two women were playing golf, the first one tee's off but to her horror, her ball heads
straight toward four men playing on the next hole. The ball hits one of the men who
immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, falls down and rolls around in
agony. The woman rushes over to the man, apologizes.
" Please allow me to help, I'm a Physical Therapist, I'm sure I can relieve your pain if
if you would allow me." she said.
" Oh, I will be alright in a minute," the man replied, although looking in agony, lying in the
fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
She was insistent, so he allowed her to help.
She gently moved his hand to the side, loosened his trousers, slid her hand inside and
artfully massaged his lower area for several long minutes.
" There," she said, " does that feel better."

"Feels great, " he replied, a big grin on his face. " But I still think my thumbs broken."
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05 July 2014 04:59 Post ID: #343421 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
An older Gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist, the waiting room was packed,as it was used by several other practices as well. Approaching the desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a rather large unfriendly looking woman, built like a sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice she said, " YES I HAVE YOU HERE, YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCY.....RIGHT."
All the other people in the room shot their heads round to look at the embarrassed man.
Recovering quickly, and in a equally loud voice he said " NO I'VE COME TO ENQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!!!!!."
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05 July 2014 05:12 Post ID: #343422 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A man had just finished read a book entitled, 'You can be the man of your house'.
Marching right into the kitchen, he announced.
"From now on, you need to know, I am the man of this house. And my word is Law.
tonight you will prepare me a gourmet meal, and a sumptuous dessert to follow. After
dinner you will go up stairs and prepare yourself, you will give me the type of sex I want,
after which you will run me a bath, wash my back, towel dry me and bring me my robe,
after that you will give me a relaxing massage. Then tomorrow morning, guess who's
going to dress me and comb my hair."

His wife replied, " The Funeral Director would be my first guess."
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06 July 2014 19:50 Post ID: #343521 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Two old guys sitting on a park bench under a tree when
one turns to the other and says, " Stan, I'm 83 years old
and full of aches and pains, you're about my age, how do
you feel.?"
Stan replies, " I feel like a new born baby."
" Really!, like a new born baby."
" Yes, No hair, No teeth, and I think I just wet myself."
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06 July 2014 20:02 Post ID: #343523 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A Priest and a Hindu are making toast, the Priest exclaims, " Look there's an image of Jesus
in my margarine."

The Hindu said, " I can't believe its not Buddha."

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08 July 2014 12:32 Post ID: #343576 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Went to Wigan once to watch them play,
Asked one of the locals where the ground
was, he said, " follow the crowds."
I followed the crowds, ended up in Tesco.
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08 July 2014 12:55 Post ID: #343577 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Two Scottish brothers, Finlay and Jimmy, sitting in a pub one day discussing
Jimmys up coming wedding. " Aye its going to be grand, I have every thing
organized already," said Jimmy, " The Flowers, The Church, The cars, The reception,
The minister, The Rings, even ma stag night."
Finlay smiled and nodded approvingly.

"Heavens, I've even got a kilt to get married in." continued Jimmy, with a look of
satisfaction.
" Aye Kid you'll look smart in that!" exclaimed Finlay, "and whats the tartan."

"Och" Uttered Jimmy, " I imagine she'll be in white."
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11 July 2014 08:06 Post ID: #343792 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Your Mother Jokes.

Your Mother is so fat, I started printing a picture of her last christmas, and it's still printing.

Your Mother is so fat, when she stepped on the talking scales, it said " I do your weight, not your phone number".

Your Mother is so ugly, when she entered an ugly contest they said, "No professionals."

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15 July 2014 16:59 Post ID: #344004 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
" Dad, are Bugs good to eat." the son asks his father at the dinner table.
" Lets not talk about such things when we are eating." his father replies.
After dinner was finished the father inquired, " now what did you want
to ask me about son."
" Oh nothing dad," the boy says, " there was a bug in your soup but it's
gone now."
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