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Jokes
07 June 2014 21:55 Post ID: #342323 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Was walking down the road one day when this bloke went
passed on a tractor shouting, " the end is nigh, the end is nigh."

I think it was Farmer Geddon.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde was found to be using the following as a password for her computer.
'mickeyminnieplutohueylouiedeweydonaldgoofyScaramento'

When asked why she used such a long password, she rolled her eyes
and said, "Hello, it has to be at least 8 characters and include one capital."
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08 June 2014 18:15 Post ID: #342336 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Just got fired from the Samaritans , a guy called Abdul phoned
said he was lying on the railway line, waiting for the train to come.
I said, " just keep calm and stay on the line."
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08 June 2014 18:27 Post ID: #342337 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
The wifes p**sed off with me again. Last night when
she was asleep, I swapped her Tampax for a party
popper.
Honestly, no sense of humour.
-------------------------------------------------------
The missus asked if she pleased me in bed.
I said " yes, I really love that trick you do with your mouth."

"What trick" she asked.

" The one where you shut it up and go to sleep."

The spare room is really quite comfortable.
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08 June 2014 18:33 Post ID: #342338 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
An Aussie goes to the chemist.
" Three packets of condoms please." he asks
The assistant says, "would you like a paper bag
with that sir".

" Nah, she ain't that ugly."
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11 June 2014 19:03 Post ID: #342492 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Grandson went to visit his Grandfather. He found him sitting on the
porch, in his rocking chair, wearing nothing below the waist.
" Granddad, what are you doing wearing no trousers."
His Grandfather looked at him and then said, " It was your Grandmothers
idea, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and ended up with a stiff neck."
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11 June 2014 19:10 Post ID: #342493 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
At any given moment in time,

79,000,000 people are having sex.

58,000,000 are kissing.

37,000,000 are relaxing after sex.

and 1 poor bugger is reading this page.

you hang in there.
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11 June 2014 19:29 Post ID: #342494 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A Woman's Poem

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man that's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart, and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and help me stand.
Massage my feet and hold my hand.
Oh send a king to make me Queen,
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I trust this man will love no other,
and relish visits from my mother.

A Mans Poem.

I pray for a deaf mute gymnast nymphomaniac
with big tits, who owns a golf course and loves
to send me fishing and drinking and to the football.
This doesn't rhyme, but who gives a sh*t.
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12 June 2014 18:45 Post ID: #342514 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
I fancied a Chinese takeaway so I rang the local Chinese.
When they answered, the bloke on the other end said,
" Herro, I'm wan king the cook."

" No problem, " I said, " I'll ring back later."
------------------------------------------------------------
After 100 years lying on the seabed, Irish Divers were
amazed to find the Titanic's swimming pool was still
full of water.
------------------------------------------------------------
Boys Prayer.
Dear God
Please send lots of clothes and shoes for those poor ladies
in Daddys computer.
Amen.
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12 June 2014 21:57 Post ID: #342528 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A Woman, about 7 months pregnant, got on a bus.
when she sat down, she noticed the man opposite
smiling at her, this made her feel uncomfortable so
she moved to another seat. The mans smile became a grin,
so she moved again, this seemed to amuse the man more.
When, on the fourth move, he burst out laughing, she complained
to the Driver. Stopping the bus, the Driver asked the man to explain
himself.
The man said, " when the lady first got on, I couldn't help noticing
her condition and when she sat down under a sign that said ' the
Double Mint Twins are coming', I had to smile. Then she moved and
sat under a sign that said ' Logans Liniment will help reduce the Swelling.'
I had to grin. Then she sat under a deodorant sign that said, 'Williams Big
Stick did the Trick'. But when she moved for the fourth time and sat under
the next sign, I just lost it. Looking up at the sign, even the Driver couldn't
help but laugh.
The sign Read. ' Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'.
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13 June 2014 16:31 Post ID: #342537 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Patrick and Michael are looking through a mail order catalogue,
" Look at all these gorgeous women." says Patrick, " and so
reasonably priced."
" I agree, " says Michael, " I'm ordering one right now."
Three weeks later Patrick asks Michael if his woman has turned up yet.
" No," replies Michael, " But it shouldn't be long, her clothes are here already."
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13 June 2014 16:58 Post ID: #342541 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Question time and the teacher asked,
" what do we get from Hens."
" Eggs," says Little Susie.

" Good, and what do we get from Sheep."
" Wool ", says Mary.

" Good, and what do we get from the Cow."
" Homework. " pipes up Little Johnny.
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13 June 2014 20:50 Post ID: #342558 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Wife strips off in front of her husband and asks him,
"what turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body."

Her husband looks her up and down, then replies,
" Your sense of humour."
--------------------------------------------------------------
You can now get a camera with a shutter speed so fast it
can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
--------------------------------------------------------------
A woman, standing naked in front of the mirror, says to her
husband, " I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment."

He replies, " your eye sight is perfect."
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13 June 2014 20:58 Post ID: #342560 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Little boy walks in on his parents having sex.
" what are you doing, " he asks.
" making you a brother or sister." came the reply.
the little boy thought for a minute then said,
" can you do it doggy style, I'd like a puppy."
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15 June 2014 16:43 Post ID: #342665 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
An Aussie walks into a pub and sits down at the bar next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks down at his watch for a moment.
The woman sees this and asks," is your date running late."
" No " he replies, " I just got this state of the art watch and I was just testing it."
Intrigued, the woman asks, " State of the art, whats so special about it."
The Aussie explains, " it uses Alpha waves to talk to me Telepathically.
"And whats it telling you," she asks.
" its telling me you're not wearing any knickers."
The woman giggles and says, " it must be broken, because I am wearing knickers."
The Aussie taps his watch,smiles, and says, "Bloody things a hour fast."
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15 June 2014 17:00 Post ID: #342666 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
After 35 years, the local postman is doing his last round before retirement.
one family on his round gives him a pen, another one gives him a key chain
and so it goes on, he comes to the last house, ringing the bell, a drop dead
gorgeous blonde answers, taking his hand, she leads him to the bedroom where
she gives him the best sex of his life.
After showering, she prepares him breakfast, the full English, Eggs, Bacon, Fried Bread,
the lot.
She also gives him £5. The postman is in heaven and while eating says, " could you explain
all this to me?"
The Blonde says, " yesterday I told my husband our local postman was retiring and we should
do something special, he said F++k him, give him £5, the breakfast was my idea."
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15 June 2014 21:01 Post ID: #342678 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
On a bitterly cold winter morning in Dublin, a husband and wife were listening to the Radio
during Breakfast, the weather announcer came on saying, " we are due 4 to 6 inches of
snow today, please park your car on the even numbered side of the street to allow the
snow plough to get through". So the wife went out and moved her car.

A week later, more snow was expected, the radio announcer asking all residents to park
their cars on the odd numbered side of the street, again to allow the snow plough to get by.
Out, the wife went and moved her car to the odd numbered side of the street.

The following week, more snow was expected. Waiting to hear where to park her car, the wife
heard the announcer say, "Please park your car........" at which point the power went out. This upset
the wife, who, with a worried look on her face said, " I don't know what to do, which side of the street
do I park my car, letting the snow plough get through."

With Love and understanding in his vioce that all men who are married to blonde's exhibit, said
" why don't you leave the bloody thing in the garage this time."
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17 June 2014 21:22 Post ID: #342736 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
My Sister in Law sat on my glasses and broke them,

My own fault, I should have taken them off.
------------------------------------------------------------
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night,

or Foreplay as she likes to call it.
------------------------------------------------------------
The wife's back on the warpath again, she was all up for make a 'home movie'.

All I did was suggest holding auditions for her part.
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