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Jokes
03 April 2014 03:55 Post ID: #339297 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Such an unfair world. When a man talk's dirty to a woman
its sexual harassment , when a woman talks dirty to a man
its £2.50 a minute.
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Just booked a table for valentines day for me and the wife.
Bound to end in tears though, shes crap at Snooker.
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They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct
me if I'm wrong, but 2 minutes 15 seconds once every three
months is not going to shift this beer belly.
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Now on sale at Ikea, beds for Lesbians, no nuts or screwing
involved, its all Tongue and Groove.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest,
But explaining they were not a dating service.
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03 April 2014 17:39 Post ID: #339356 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Jack was about to marry Jill when his father took him to one side, " when I married your
mother, the first thing I did, when we got home was take off my trousers, handed them
to your mother and told her to put them on." When she got them on, she said she couldn't
possibly wear them as they were far too big. I told her, " of course you can't, I wear the
trousers in this family, and I always will." Ever since that day, we haven't had a single problem.

Jack took his fathers advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he took his trousers
off, handed them to Jill and told her to put them on, Jill said the trousers were too big and she
couldn't possible wear them. " exactly," said Jack, I wear the trousers in this relationship and
don't you forget it.

Jill paused, then removed her knickers, handing them to Jack , she told him to try them on.
Jack tried them on but found they were too small. "I couldn't possible get into your knickers."
" Exactly," said Jill, " and you never will if you don't change that bloody attitude."
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01 May 2014 21:49 Post ID: #341093 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it is harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing, do not eat to much, try plenty of Liquids.

5. Try F***ing in bed, it saves you valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol Levels.




















SO REMEMBER:
Fasting is good for your Health.
And may God cleanse your dirty minds.
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09 May 2014 20:31 Post ID: #341462 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
I was talking to me Granda recently, he was telling me how
when he were a lad he could get lots of things from the shops
for little or nowt.
" Thats the cost of living nowadays granda," I said.

"Nay lad", he said, " its the flipping security camera's!"
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18 May 2014 03:10 Post ID: #341816 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A School Teacher decided to poll the class about the difficulty of the
previous nights homework.
She asked, " how many of you completed the work without any help
from your parents."
About 25% of the class put their hands up.
She then asked, " how many completed the work with the help of your
parents."
Roughly 50% of the class put their hands up.
She thought to herself, that still leaves about a quarter of the class, then
she asked, " how many of you had to help your parents complete the work."
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18 May 2014 03:25 Post ID: #341817 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A teacher injured his back and had to wear an upper body cast.
When he put his shirt on, you couldn't notice the cast.
On the first day of term, still having to wear the cast, he noticed
he had been assigned the most misbehaved group of students.
Walking into the classroom, he went to the window and opened it wide,
then went and sat at his desk, all his students eyes were on him, trying to gauge
what sort of teacher he was.
Just then a breeze blew through the window causing his tie to flap, getting his desk
stapler, he stapled his tie to his chest.
He had no problems with the students at all that term.
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19 May 2014 03:01 Post ID: #341853 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Ryan 7 and Kevin 9.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. The
mother saw an opportunity to teach them a moral lesson.
She said, " if Jesus was sitting here he would say, let my brother have the
first one I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said.
" Ryan, you be Jesus."
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20 May 2014 20:01 Post ID: #341904 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A woman and baby were in the Doctors waiting room for the babys first
check up. The Doctor called them in, and began examining the baby, after weighting
he felt the baby was a little under weight.
He asked the woman was the baby Breast fed or Bottle fed to which the woman replied,
"Breast fed."
" well strip down to the waist then." he told her.
He pinched her nipples, pressed and kneaded her breast and rubbed both breast for quite a
while. Motioning for her to get dressed, he said, " no wonder this baby is underweight, you
don,t have any milk."
"I know" she said, " I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
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29 May 2014 20:33 Post ID: #342112 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
An old couple celebrate their 50th wedding Anniversary in the
honeymoon suite.
All night long all the bellboy hears coming from their room is
the sound of Laughing and clapping.
The next morning he asks the old man how he can do it all night
long at his age.
The man replies,"First I remove all my clothes and lie down on the
bed, face up. Then the wife removes all her clothes and lifts my tool
with her hand. We then make a bet, if it falls to the right, I win and
if it falls to the left, she wins."

The bellboy asks, "what happens if it doesn't fall."

The man replies, " we both win."
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29 May 2014 20:40 Post ID: #342113 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
What three words describe Small.

Is it in.

Edited by leeds1975 6/6/2014 20:03
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02 June 2014 21:51 Post ID: #342212 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A bloke goes in to the local DIY, " I would like 30,000 bricks please." he asked the assistant.
" Certainly sir, big building job on." the assistant enquires.
" yes, I'm building a barbeque."
" you don't need 30,000 bricks to build a barbeque." the assistant remarks.
" Yes I do, I live on the 15th floor."
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02 June 2014 21:56 Post ID: #342213 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Angela Merkel arrives at passport control at Paris Airport.
" Nationality " enquires the immigration officer.
" German " she replies.
" Occupation."
" no, just here for a few days."
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02 June 2014 22:06 Post ID: #342214 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Simple Truth 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.
After sex they dress themselves.
Moral of the story: Nobody helps you once you're screwed.

Simple Truth 2
When a Lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach, and say congratulations.
But none of them touch the blokes dick and say good job.
Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.
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06 June 2014 20:00 Post ID: #342303 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Patrick called Easy Jet to book a Flight.
The operator asked, " how many people are flying
with you."
Patrick replied, " I don't know, it's your pigging Plane."
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Patrick, the electrician, got the sack from the US Prison service
for not servicing the electric chair.
In his defence Patrick said, " the chairs a bloody Death Trap."
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Patrick and his wife are lying in bed, outside the neighbours dog
was giving it full vocals.
Patrick says, " to hell with this." and storms off.
He comes back up stairs 5 minutes later.
" what did you do." asked his wife.
Patrick replied,, " I put the Dog in our garden, see how he likes it."
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06 June 2014 20:08 Post ID: #342304 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Quick one.
Whats the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is an order.
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06 June 2014 20:12 Post ID: #342305 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Yorkshire Airlines.
aye opp and away.

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07 June 2014 03:43 Post ID: #342307 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Took the wife to a disco the other week, there was a bloke on the dance
floor giving it everything he had, break dancing, moon walking, back flips,
the works.
The wife turned to me and said, " see that bloke there, 25 years ago, he
proposed to me and I turned him down."

I said, " Looks like he's still celebrating."

A&E was quite busy that night!
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