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Jokes
31 March 2014 15:14 Post ID: #338994 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
As I was walking through a car park, I tripped and fell flat on my face.

As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, " are you hurt."

" No I'm fine. " I said, touched by her concern.

" oh good, " she continued, " will you be vacating your parking space now."

--------------------------------------------------------------

A man trying to get on a crowded bus, kept getting pushed off.

"There's no room," the people on the bus said, "it's full up."

" but you must let me on" he shouted.

" what's so special about you." they asked.

" He replied, " I'm the driver."

"
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31 March 2014 16:57 Post ID: #339004 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A young man and his blind date were parked on a
back road, some distance from town. Just before
they were about to get down to the old bone
jumping, Te woman stopped and said, " I should have
mentioned, I'm a Hooker and I charge £20 for sex."

The man reluctantly paid, and they did the Business.
As the man sat back, smoking a cigarette, just gazing
out of his window, the woman asked, " why aren't we
heading back to town."

" I should have mentioned," said the man, " I'm a taxi
driver, and the fare back to town is £25."
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31 March 2014 20:36 Post ID: #339031 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
One day a bachelor, who was a poor tipper, walked into his favorite restaurant
and ordered Lunch.
A new Waitress served him. After the meal he left a three pence tip.
When he returned the next day, The waitress thanked him for his generosity.
She said she could tell the character of a diner by the tip he left.

" Yeah, what can you tell about me then." the man asked.

" You put the three pennies in a neat row," says the waitress, and that show
you are a tidy person. The first penny tells me you are a frugal person, and
the second penny tells me you are a bachelor."

" That's true," he agreed, " so what does the third penny tell you."

" The third penny tells me your father was a bachelor too."
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01 April 2014 01:01 Post ID: #339052 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to me on the plane, had told
me all about herself and her nine grandchildren.

She even pulled out a photo album, showing all nine of them.Finally she
realized she dominated the whole conversation.

" oh, I've done all the talking, I'm so sorry. I know you must have some
thing to say. So tell me, what do you think of my grandchildren."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: " Jonny, you missed school yesterday didn't you."
Jonny: " No, not at all."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: " Jonny, you know you can't sleep in class."
Jonny: " I know, but if you were a little quieter I could."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Jonny comes home from school and tells his he got
an F in maths.
" Why." asks his father.
Jonny: " the teacher asked me what 2 x 3 was, I said 6.
then she asked me what 3 x 2."
Father: " Whats the bloody difference."
Jonny: " Thats exactly what I said."
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01 April 2014 15:13 Post ID: #339093 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
One day a man goes into a chemist, reaches in his pocket and takes out
a small bottle and a teaspoon. he pours a small amount of liquid on to the
teaspoon and offers it to the chemist, " Can you taste this for me Please."

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills it around and
swallows it.

The man asks, " does that taste sweet to you."

" no, not at all." answers the chemist.

" Oh thats a relief," says the man, " the Doctor told me to come here and
get my Urine tested for sugar."
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01 April 2014 15:23 Post ID: #339094 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
The phone rings, the woman of the house picks up.

There is heavy breathing followed by a voice that
said, " I bet you have a tight a**e with no hair."

The woman answers, " Yes I do, hes watching football,
Can I say who's calling."
-----------------------------------------------------------
A gypsy girl is about to get married. Her mother says to
her, " Emerald, you do realize that when you are married
your Husband will want to put his most prized possession
into where you pee."

" Don't be silly Mother," she answers, " hows he going to
fit his Transit van into the sink."
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01 April 2014 15:44 Post ID: #339095 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Alex lived out his life, all 98 years of it, and passed away peacefully
in his sleep. When he reached the Pearly Gates, He was surprised
to see a huge wall of clocks. At first he thought they were all keeping
good time, but then he noticed that the hands just moved randomly,
no strategy to them at all.
Alex saw St Peter and asked him what the deal was with the clocks.
" Well," began St Peter, " Every time someone is born, they are given
a clock. The hands on their clock move each time they tell a lie. Abraham
Lincoln's clock moved twice, your clock moved 100 times."
Well Alex was amazed by this, and began looking at all the clocks of people
he knew. After a time he realized he could not find one particular clock.
" St Peter," he asked, " where is David Cameron's clock."
" oh that, that clock had to be moved," said St Peter, chuckling, " the clock is
now in God's office, he use's it as a fan."
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01 April 2014 16:00 Post ID: #339096 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Sally walked into the Dentists office to make an appointment.
" How much do you charge to pull out a tooth." she asked.
" £200 " was the prompt reply.
"£200, that's ridiculous, gasped Sally. " there must be someway
of doing it cheaper."
" well," the Dentist pondered, " if we don't numb it, we could knock
it down to £150."
" £150 is still too much, can you knock it down some more."
" well," says the Dentist, after a long pause, " we could take it out with
a wrench, which will be very painful, but that would cost £50."
" Perfect, Pain isn't a problem," said Sally.
" I'd like to book an appointment for my husband please."
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02 April 2014 01:23 Post ID: #339207 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A few Yorkshire Jokes:

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is taking place
in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently Yorkshire club goers have started injecting
Ecstasy just above the front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called, " e by gum."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshire man: " Ayup lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: " Is it a tom."
Yorkshire man: " Nay, I've Browt it with me."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bloke from Barnsley goes to the Chemist with piles. He says,
" Nah then lad, does tha sell a**e cream."
Chemist replies, " Magnum or Cornetto."
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02 April 2014 01:37 Post ID: #339208 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
In the darkest depths of Lancashire, there is a pub that is directly across the road
from the cottage Hospital. One glorious summer evening, the customers were
intrigued to see a little old man hobble out from the Hospital, and push his zimmer
frame across the road, and enter the pub.

He went up to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness and a double whisky. On getting
them, he proceeded to down them in one, he immediately ordered another pint of
Guinness and a double Rum. Same again, he sank them in one.

As he set the glasses down he said to the barman, " I shouldn't really have done that
with what I've got."

The barman asks, " why, what have you got."

" 45 pence."
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02 April 2014 02:01 Post ID: #339210 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A crowded New York Airport. At the United Airlines booking desk a single agent
was re-booking A long line of passengers, after a flight had been cancelled.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the front of the line, slapping
his ticket on the desk he said, " I HAVE to be on the next flight, and it HAS to be
FIRST CLASS."

The Agent replied, " I'm sorry Sir, I'll be happy to try and help you, but I have all
these people to help first. After that I'm sure we can work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the people behind him
could hear, " DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM."

Without any hesitation, the agent smiled and picked up her public address microphone
and said, " May I have your attention please, " her voice clearly heard all around,
" we have a passenger here at gate 14 who doesn't know who he is. If anyone
can help him with his Identity, please come to gate 14.

With the people around him in floods of laughter, the man glared at the United Airlines
agent, and said, " F**K YOU."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, " I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that as well."

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02 April 2014 15:31 Post ID: #339237 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A coach load of Patrick's were on a mystery coach trip.
They decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they
were going.
The Driver won £52.
----------------------------------------------------------
Patrick and Michael found three hand grenades and decided
to take them to the police station.
Michael asks, " what if one of them goes off before we get there."
Patrick says, " we lie and tell them we only found two."
----------------------------------------------------------
Patrick's racing snail was not winning races anymore, so he decided to
take its shell off, making it more aerodynamic.
It didn't work, if anything, it made it more sluggish.
----------------------------------------------------------
Joe says to Patrick, " Close the curtains next time you make love to your
your wife, yesterday the whole street was watching and laughing at you."

Patrick says, " Well the jokes on them, I wasn't even home yesterday."
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02 April 2014 16:17 Post ID: #339238 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A Jewish Grandmother is giving directions to her grandson
who is coming to visit.
" You come to the front of the Building, there is a big panel
by the door, I am in apartment 301, with your elbow, push
the button for 301, I will buzz you in. Inside the lifts are on
the right hand side. With your elbow, push the button for
the third floor. When you get out of the lift, my door is to
the left, with your elbow, push my door bell."

" That sounds easy Grandma, but why am I pushing all these
buttons with my elbow."

" What, you're coming empty handed!"
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02 April 2014 16:39 Post ID: #339239 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A couple are celebrating their Golden Wedding Anniversary. their domestic
bliss had long been the talk of the town. People would say, what a peaceful
and loving couple they are. The local paper inquired as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage.

The husband replies, " Well it all started on our honeymoon, we visited the
Grand Canyon, and decided to take a trip to the bottom by horse. We hadn't
gone too far, when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.
My wife looked at the horse and quietly said, " That's once."

A little further on the horse stumbled again, again my wife quietly said, " That's
Twice."
We hadn't gone more than half a mile when her horse stumbled for the third
time. My wife calmly dismounted, removed a revolver from her bag and
shot the horse dead.

I Shouted at her, " What are you doing woman, why have you shot that poor
animal, are you crazy!"

She looked at me and quietly said, " That's once."

We have been happily married ever since.
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03 April 2014 03:00 Post ID: #339294 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her
keys in her car, A passing soldier said he could help.
She looked an amazed, as he took off his trousers,
rolled them up into a ball, and rubbed them against
the car door.
As if by magic, the car door opened.
"That's incredible, " she said, " how did you do that."
" Its easy," He replied, " These are my Khakis."
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03 April 2014 03:16 Post ID: #339295 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
IMPORTANT NEWS:

Apple have today announced the development of a chip
that can be transplanted into a woman's breast. The
chip will be capable of playing music.

The i-tit will cost £300, and is regarded as a breakthrough
as women are always moaning about men staring at their
chests and not listening to them.
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03 April 2014 03:28 Post ID: #339296 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the
body that becomes even more useful when erect.


P N E S I
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Those that wrote SPINE could be Doctors.
The rest of you have a dirty mind...
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