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Jokes
26 March 2014 20:38 Post ID: #338587 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A woman is having a bad day at the roulette table in Vegas.
She is down to her last $50.
Exasperated she exclaims, " Bad Luck, its only Bad luck, but
what do I do now."
A man standing near by says, " why don't you put it on your
age."
He walks away only to hear a commotion at the table he'd
just left. Thinking she may have won, he moves back to the
table, Pushing his way through the crowd that had formed,
he sees the woman flat out on the floor, the table operator
kneeing over her.
The man is stunned, leaning forward he asks, " what happened,
will she be alright?"
The table operator shrugs his shoulders and says, " I don't know,
she put all her money on 29 and when 36 came, she fainted."
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26 March 2014 20:49 Post ID: #338589 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Little Timmy was in his garden filling in a hole he had dug earlier.
A neighbour peered over the fence, interested he asked " what you
up to Timmy."
" My Goldfish died," said a tearful Timmy, " and I've just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, " that's a awfully big hole for a goldfish."
Timmy patted the last heap of earth down then said, " that's because
it's still inside your cat."
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26 March 2014 20:59 Post ID: #338590 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
How to start your day on a positive note.

Open a new file on your PC.

Name it " Boss "

Send it to the Recycle Bin

Empty the Recycle Bin

Your PC will ask you, " Are you sure you want to delete " Boss " permanently.

Press yes.

There, feel good now.
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27 March 2014 00:46 Post ID: #338614 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Rearrange the Letters.
MOTHER IN LAW:
WOMAN HITLER.
-----------------------
THE EYES:
THEY SEE.
----------------------
THE MORSE CODE:
HERE COME DOTS.
----------------------
SLOT MACHINES:
CASH LOST IN ME.
----------------------
DESPERATION:
A ROPE ENDS IT.
----------------------
DORMITORY:
DIRTY ROOM.
----------------------
A DECIMAL POINT:
IM A DOT IN PLACE.
----------------------
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27 March 2014 20:03 Post ID: #338651 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Two 90 year old Football fanatics, Fred and John, had been friends all their lives.
When it was clear John was close to the end, Fred came to see him every day.
One day, Fred says, " John, we've both loved football all our lives, and we've
played football on a Saturday together for many years. Please do me one favour,
when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's Football
there."
John looks up at Fred from his bed and says, "Fred, you've been my best friend
for many years, if its at all possible, I 'll do you that favour."

Shortly after, John passes away.

A few nights later, at midnight, Fred is awoken by a blinding flash of light and a voice
calling out, " Fred--Freeeeeddddd."
Sitting up, Fred says, " who is it."
"Fred, its me, John."
" It can't be John, John died a few days ago."
" I'm telling you, its me John." insists the voice.
" John where are you."
" I'm in heaven," replies John, " I have some really good news, and a little bad news."
" I'll take the good news first." says Fred.
" The good news," John says, " there is football in heaven, better still, all our old friends
who died before us are all here, Better than that, we are all young again, even better, its
always spring, it never rains or snows, and best of all, we can play football as much as we
want and we never get tired."
" Thats fantastic," says Fred," beyond my wildest dreams. So what was the bad news."

" You're in the team for this Saturday."
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27 March 2014 20:19 Post ID: #338653 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
The Parson couldn't find his bike, thinking it was stolen, he
had a talk to the verger. Thinking about it, the verger came
up with a cunning plan.
" When you do the sermon this Sunday," the verger said,
" why don't you read out the ten commandments, and when
you come to the one about " Thou shalt not steal" I shall
watch the congregation and note any that look uncomfortable."

Sunday came and the Parson begins, but then drifts off after just
a couple of commandments.
After the service had ended, the verger asked, " why didn't you
get to the one about stealing."
" Ah well," says the parson, " when I got to the one about "thou
shalt not commit Adultery ", I remembered where I left my Bike."
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27 March 2014 20:39 Post ID: #338656 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A man walks into the local Anne Summers to purchase some
see-through lingerie for his wife. the prices ranged from £30 to
£130, the more sheer, the higher the price.

He opts for the most see-through, pays the £130 and takes
it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs,
put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife has an idea, thinking it is so see through she
might as well be wearing nothing. So she decided not to put it
on, do the modelling naked, and return the lingerie to the store,
keeping the £130 for herself.

She appears at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The Husband says, " stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop."

The Ambulance took him to the local Hospital.
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28 March 2014 02:30 Post ID: #338682 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
One afternoon a carpet layer had just finished putting a lovely berber
carpet down for a lady. e decided to go outside for a smoke, once
outside he found he had lost his cigarettes, back inside, he looked around
the room and noticed a little bump in the carpet in the middle of the room.

" No sense in pulling up the entire carpet for one packet of smokes," he
said to himself. So getting out his hammer, he flattened the lump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady of the house came in and handed him
his cigarettes saying, " here, I found these lying in the hallway, now
if only I could find my Budgie."
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28 March 2014 03:43 Post ID: #338683 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
After having been told by my better half that my crown Jewel area resembled an elderly
Rastafarian, I decided to take the plunge and buy some Veet Hair Removal cream for men,
as previous attempts to shave down there had proved only mildly successful, and trying to
reach the more difficult areas had nearly put my back out.
Being a bit of a Romantic, I decided to do the deed on her Birthday, as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance, and being a bit of a macho man, decided to ignore the reviews
I had read about the cream, I considered the reviewers as softy office types.... oh my fellow
sufferers, how wrong I was.
I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed,and after giving her some vague hints of
a surprise. I made my way downstairs to the cloak room toilet. Initially all went well and I
applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have very long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth, which in a matter of seconds turned to an intense burning
and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent
on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't really figured in my life until that night, but
I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion that would that would stop the violent
burning around my exit hole and what felt like the complete destruction of my meat and two
veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip, I attempted to wash it off, only to succeed
in blocking the sink with matted hair.
Through the haze of tears, I struggled out of the cloak room and across the hall to the kitchen,
by this time walking was not really possible and I ended up crawling the last few yards to the
fridge in the hope of finding some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found
a tub of ice cream, ripping the lid off, I placed the tub under me. the relief was fantastic, but only
temporary,as the ice cream melted rapidly, letting the stabbing pain return. Due to the shape of
the ice cream tub, I hadn't managed to give the rear any of the cold treatment,so I groped around
in the draw for something else, as I was sure my eyesight was going to fail at anytime. I grabbed
a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts, and tore it open as quietly as I could, grabbing
a handful, I tried to clench some between the cheeks of my a**e. This was not doing the trick as
some gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was testing its
engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I would wish there was a gay snowman
in the kitchen, which should give you some idea of the depths I would sink to in order to ease the
pain. the only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the
sprouts where no sprout had ever gone before.
Unfortunately the other half chose that moment to come and investigate the strange grunts
coming from the kitchen, she was greeted by the sight of me, a**e in the air, strawberry ice cream
dripping from my bell end, and pushing a sprout up the other end, whilst saying, "oh that feels so
good."
Understandable she was shocked and let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused
an involuntary spasm of shock in me, that resulted in the sprout be ejected at some speed in her
direction.
I can understand that having a sprout fired at your leg at 11 at night, probably wasn't the sort of surprise
she was expecting. My status as a macho man certainly took a hit that night.
So to sum up. Veet removes hair, dignity, and self respect.
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29 March 2014 00:06 Post ID: #338743 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Explaining how a baby comes about, in the computer age.

A little boy goes to his father and asks, " Daddy how was I born."
" Well son," the father answers, " I suppose you are going to find out one day."
Then he preceded to explain, " You mum and I first got together in a chat room
on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail, with your mum and we met at a cyber
cafe. we sneaked in to a secluded room and googled each other.
There,your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive,
As soon as I was ready to unload, we both realized we hadn't used a firewall, and
since it was too late to hit the delete button, a little pop-up appeared 9 months
later, that said,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
You've got male.
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29 March 2014 17:57 Post ID: #338841 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A young couple get married, and the new husband asks his bride
if he can have a draw of his own that she will never open. She agrees.

After 30 years of marriage, one day she notices he has left his draw
open, peeking inside it, she sees three golf balls and a £1000.

Confronting her husband, she asks for an explanation. He explains,
" Every time I was unfaithful to you I put a golf ball in there."
Slightly miffed, she figures, three times in 30 years isn't that
bad.
" But what about the £1000." she asks.

He replies, " Every time I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them for £10 a dozen."
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29 March 2014 18:28 Post ID: #338844 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Boy: Granddad what are you reading.

Granddad: A history book.

Boy: But thats a sex book.

Granddad: Its all history to me.
---------------------------------------------------
A man goes to the chemist and asks for a cure for hiccups.
The chemist gets the man to bend over, then gives him a
hard slap on the back.
The chemist asks, " has that cured them then."
The man replies, " I don't know, my wife's in the car, but I'll check..."
----------------------------------------------------------
Understanding what a woman means:

Yes = no

No = Yes

Maybe = No

We need = I want

I am sorry = You will be sorry

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to

Do what you want = You will pay for that later

I am not upset = Of course I'm upset you moron

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Its your decision = It should be obvious what the right answer is

How much do you love me = I'm about to say something you won't like.
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29 March 2014 21:31 Post ID: #338850 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Children, bless em.

A little boy opened the family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out from between the pages. picking the object up, he saw
it was an old leaf.
" Mum, look what I found", he called out.
" what have you got there dear."
With astonishment in his little voice he said," I think its Adam's underwear."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was struggling hard to get the Ketchup out of the bottle. During
her struggle, the phone rang, so she asked her five year old daughter to
answer it.
Picking it up, the little girl said, " sorry mummy can't come to the phone right
now, she's hitting the bottle."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little Boy got lost at the local Gym and found himself in the ladies changing
room. When he was spotted, the room burst in to shrieks, ladies grabbing towels
and running for cover.
The boy watched in amazement and then asked, " whats the matter, have you
never seen a little boy before."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl was staying with her grandparents, one evening, she noticed Grandpa's
false teeth soaking in a glass. She pointed them out to her Grandma, and before Grandma
could explain, the little girl said, " the tooth fairy will never believe this."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "
" I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
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30 March 2014 21:16 Post ID: #338922 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday, everybody complimented him on
how athletic and well preserved he appeared.

" Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he said, " I have been in
the open air day after day for some 75 years."

Everybody was impressed and asked him how he was able to maintain such a
rigorous fitness regime.

" Well, you see my wife and I have been married for 75 years, and on our
wedding day, we made a solemn promise."

" Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong, would go
outside and take a walk."
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30 March 2014 21:31 Post ID: #338925 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Grandpa and Grandma were visiting their Grand kids over night.

Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his sons medicine cabinet,
he asked his Grandson about trying one.

The son said, " I don't think you should try one Grandpa, they are
very strong and very expensive."
" How much." says Grandpa.
" $10 a pill." replies his Grandson.
" I'd still like to try one," says Grandpa, " and in the morning
I will leave the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning the Grandson found $110 under the pillow.

He rang his Grandpa and said, " I told you the Pill was $10,
why did you leave $110 under the pillow."

"I know," replied Grandpa, " the $10 is for the pill, the $100
is from Grandma."
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31 March 2014 01:13 Post ID: #338945 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Several men are in the locker room of the local golf club. A mobile phone on the bench
starts to ring, one of the men activates the hands free function and begins to talk.
Everyone else stops to listen.
MAN. " Hello."

WOMAN. " Hi honey, it's me, are you at the club."

MAN. " Yes."

WOMAN. " I'm at the shops right now and I found this Beautiful Leather coat,
it's only £500, is it alright if I buy it."

MAN. " Sure, if you really like it."

WOMAN. " I also stopped by the Rolls Royce Dealers, the new models are in
and I saw one I really liked."

MAN. " How much."

WOMAN. " £90,000."

MAN. " OK, but for that price I want all the extra's."

WOMAN. " Great!, Oh, and one more thing... I was talking to Janice and found out
that house I really wanted last year is back on the market. They are asking £895,000
for it."

MAN. " Go ahead and make them an offer of £800,000. They will probably take it, and if
not, I'm sure we could go the extra £95,000. If it's what you really want."

WOMAN. " OK. I will see you later, I Love you so much."

MAN. " Bye. I Love you too."

The man hangs up. The other men are staring at him in astonishment,mouths wide open.

The man smiles and asks. " Anyone know whose mobile this is."
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31 March 2014 01:28 Post ID: #338946 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A Bride on her wedding night says to her new husband.
" I must confess Darling, I used to be a hooker."

" That's alright Dear, your past is your past, I must admit
though, I find it interesting. Tell me about it."

" Well. My name was Nigel and I played for London Welsh."
--------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy says to Mick, " I found this pen, is it yours."

Mick replies, " I don't know, give it here."

He then try's it and says, " yes it is."

Paddy asks. " How do you know."

Mick says. " That's my handwriting."
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