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Jokes
16 January 2014 20:25 Post ID: #332521 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Due to increasing product liability litigation alcohol manufacturers have agreed to put the following warning labels on their products.

WARNING consumption of Alcohol may make you think you are whispering WHEN YOU ARE NOT.

WARNING consumption of Alcohol Is a major factor of you Dancing like a plonker.

WARNING consumption of Alcohol may make you want to tell your friends the same boring story time and time again until they want to SMASH YOUR FACE IN.

WARNING consumption of Alcohol may make you think that Ex Lovers really do want you to phone them at 4am in the morning.

WARNING consumption of Alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your Trousers.

WARNING consumption of Alcohol may make you think you can converse with the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING consumption of Alcohol may make you think you are tougher, more handsome and smarter than some BIG guy called Dave.

WARNING consumption of Alcohol may lead to Traffic signs and cones appearing in your house.

WARNING consumption of Alcohol may lead you to sliding in puddles on your bare belly

WARNING consumption of Alcohol may cause you to fall asleep in strange toilets.

WARNING consumption of Alcohol may lead you to believe that your friends are laughing WITH you.


For Des and one or two others on this board.
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16 January 2014 20:38 Post ID: #332522 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Morris Schwartz is dying, around his Bed are his Nurse, Wife, his Daughter and his two sons.He knows the end is near so he says to them,

"Bernie I want you to take the Beverley Hill Houses."
" Sybil take the apartments over on Los Angeles Plaza"
"Hymie take the city center 0ffices"
"Sarah, My dear Wife I want you to take all the residential Buildings downtown"

As Morris slips away, the Nurse turns to the Wife and says," Mrs Schwartz your Husband must have been so hard working to have got so much property"

Sarah say " Property Scmoperty, the schmuck had a newspaper route."
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16 January 2014 20:42 Post ID: #332524 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
If you chock a smurf what colour does it turn.?
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16 January 2014 20:46 Post ID: #332525 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
One night a man emerged naked from the bathroom, climbing into bed he hears his wife moan "not tonight I,ve got a headache".

He replies " your in luck I've just powdered my penis in aspirin"
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17 January 2014 21:48 Post ID: #332594 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A man goes to the Doctor.

"Doctor I keep getting the urge to sing Delilah and the Green Green Grass of home " he says.
" Ah you are definately suffering from the Tom Jones syndrome " the Doctor says
" is that very common" he asks

"Well" the Doctor says "Its not unusual"
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17 January 2014 21:53 Post ID: #332595 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Two women were Flashed at on the way home from Bingo.
One of the women fell to the floor and had a stroke,

The other one couldn,t reach!

Edited by leeds1975 17/1/2014 21:54
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17 January 2014 22:03 Post ID: #332599 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Last night my kids and I were in the living and I said " I would never like to live in a vegetative state dependant on a machine and fluids from a bottle, if I ever got that way just pull the plug"

They got up pulled the plug on my computer and threw my wine away.
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18 January 2014 00:04 Post ID: #332622 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Marriage is like the suits in cards, at the start its hearts and Diamonds but later its

Clubs and Spades.
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18 January 2014 00:08 Post ID: #332623 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A little boy was examining his undercarriage while taking a bath.

"mummy are these my brains"

"Not yet dear".







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18 January 2014 00:16 Post ID: #332624 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
I was at a restaurant yesterday, I realized I needed to pass wind, the music was really loud so I timed my botty burp with the beat of the music, after a couple of songs I felt a lot better, I finished my coffee and then noticed everyone was looking at me.

I,d forgotten I was listening to my I Pod.
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18 January 2014 00:20 Post ID: #332625 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
I grew up in a poor family, my parents got our clothes from Army surplus.

It wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't the only kid at school dressed as a Japanese General.
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18 January 2014 14:31 Post ID: #332697 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and say, "does this taste funny to you"

Two Parrots are sitting on a perch, one asks the other, "can you smell fish".

I just read a book of how to join two bits of metal without screwing or glueing.
Riveting stuff.
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18 January 2014 14:34 Post ID: #332699 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
BBC: Rain has delayed the Ryder Cup.

Even God thinks Golf is the most boring thing in the world.
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18 January 2014 15:17 Post ID: #332708 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Two Glaswegians Archie and Jimmy are discussing Jimmys forth coming wedding.

"Och its all goin' pure brilliant" says Jimmy " A've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the cuars, the reception, the rings, the meenister, even ma stag night."

Archie nods approvingly

" I've even bought a kilt"

"A kilt, thats braw, you'll look right smart in that"!

"And whats the tartan" enquires Archie

"O'ch" says Jimmy " I expect she'll be in all white"
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18 January 2014 15:29 Post ID: #332711 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Little Jonnys teacher said " who ever answers the following questions can leave early"

"ask not for what your country can do for you"

Before Jonny can answer, Nancy shouts out " John F Kennedy"

Teacher says "very good Nancy, you can go" Teacher asks " I have a Dream"

Before Jonny can open his mouth Mary shouts out, " Martin Luther King "

Teacher says " very good Mary you can go"

As the Teacher turns her back Jonny says " I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut"

Teacher looks and asks " who said that

Joonny replies " Wayne Rooney - see you tomorrow"
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19 January 2014 15:17 Post ID: #332783 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
I'd tell you the joke about the butter,


But you might spread it.
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19 January 2014 15:50 Post ID: #332785 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A teacher was teaching her class about the Government, so for homework, she told the kids to go home and ask their Parents what the Government is.

Little Jonny goes home and asks his dad What the Government was, thinking about it he answered " look at it this way, I,m Prime Minister, your Mother is the Cabinet, the maid is the workforce, you are the people and your Baby Brother is the future".

"I still don't get it" says Jonny

" Well you go and sleep on it, maybe it will be a bit clearer in the morning" says Dad.

Jonny pops up to bed. In the middle of the night Jonny is wakened by the crying of his baby brother, he went to his brothers cot and peered over the side, he saw that his brother had crapped in his nappy,so Jonny went to his parents room to get help. When he got to his parents door, he looked through the keyhole to check if they were sleeping, he saw his mother was snoring away but his dad wasn't there, He went along to the maids room and looking through the keyhole he saw his dad having sex with the maid. Little Jonny was surprised, but then he realized something and thinking out loud,

"Oh now I understand the government, The Prime Minister is screwing the work force, the Cabinets asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the futures full of crap.
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