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Jokes
14 January 2014 21:04 Post ID: #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
An Airplane is about to crash, a Female passenger jumps up and says " If I'm about to die, I I want to die feeling like a woman "

She then removes all her clothing and asks " Is there somebody on this plane man enough to make me feel like a woman"


A man stands up, removes his shirt and says " here Iron this"!!
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15 January 2014 12:14 Post ID: #332441 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Two Hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses, he doesn,t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy takes out his phone and dials 999 and gasps "my friend is Dead, Operator on the other end says " calm down, take a deep breath, I can help, First let us make sure he is dead".

There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard, back on the phone the guy says"OK now what"!!.
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15 January 2014 12:19 Post ID: #332443 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
How to win an argument with a woman
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In your dreams.
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15 January 2014 12:27 Post ID: #332444 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A man goes to the Doctor and says " Doctor where ever I touch it hurts"
"what ever do you mean " asks the doctor
The man says " when I touch my shoulder it hurts, when I touch my knee it really hurts, and when I touch my forehead it really really hurts"

The Doctor says " I know whats wrong with you- you,ve broken your finger".
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15 January 2014 12:29 Post ID: #332445 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
What do you buy a station master for Christmas
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Platform shoes.
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15 January 2014 12:35 Post ID: #332446 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Two guys over heard in a pub.

"My wifes just got back from holiday in Hawaii, she got a tattoo while she was there"

"Honolulu"

" no, on her arm."
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15 January 2014 21:14 Post ID: #332469 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Little Jonny asks his dad for a TV in his Bedroom, he agrees, next day jonny comes down from his bedroom and asks "Dad what love juice ."

Dad looks horrified, sits him down and tells him all about sex.

Jonny sits and listens in amazement. Dad says " so what were you watching."
Jonny replies " Tennis"
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15 January 2014 21:22 Post ID: #332470 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
When NASA first sent up Astronauts they quickly discovered Ball Point Pens didn,t work in Zero gravity, to combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and 12 billion Dollars developing a pen that would work in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface, and at varying temperatures.



The Russians used a ...........................................................................Pencil
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15 January 2014 21:37 Post ID: #332473 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Please feel free to put your own jokes in, all I ask is you keep them Cleanish and non Racial.
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16 January 2014 02:23 Post ID: #332475 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Got chatting to a girl in a club, "can I buy you a drink" I asked.
" Have you not got a girlfriend" she asked " Guys like you always have girlfriends"
" no sadly we broke up a month ago" I assured her.
"oh I,m sorry to hear that," she said " Go on then I,ll have a white wine please."
A few drinks and a kiss and cuddle later, we headed back to her place and made passionate Love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said " So you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed why did you split up with your girlfriend?"

I said " My wife found out".
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16 January 2014 02:34 Post ID: #332476 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Jack asked his friend Tom whether he had bought a present for his wife this christmas,
" I sure did " he replied " a bag and a belt"
"that was nice of you" Jack replied " I hope she appreciated them"

Tom smiled and said "So do I and hopefully the hoover will work better now."
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16 January 2014 02:45 Post ID: #332477 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
A girl looked at my Beer Belly in the bar and asked " is that Newcastle Brown ale or Yorkshire Best Bitter"

I said " Theres a tap underneath, Taste it and decide for yourself."
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16 January 2014 02:53 Post ID: #332478 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
I was talking to a girl in the pub last night.
She said " if you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you would look alright."

I said " If I did all that I would be talking to the hot chicks over there."
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16 January 2014 03:27 Post ID: #332479 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
I have a little satnav
I've had it all my life
Its better than the normal ones
My satnav is my Wife.

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
" its 60 miles an hour" it says
" you're doing sixty Five".

It tells me when to stop and start
and when to use the brake
and tells me its never ever
safe to overtake

It tells me when the light is Red
and when it turns to green
It seems to know instinctive
Just when to intervene

It lists the cars just in front
and those to the rear
and taking this into account
it specifies my gear

I,m sure no other driver
has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives it advice

It fills me up with counselling
each journeys pretty Fraught.
so why don,t I exchange it
And get a quieter sort

Ah well you see,it cleans the house
Makes sure I,m properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things
and keeps me warm in bed

Despite all these advantages
and my tendency to scoff
I do wish just once in a while
I could switch the F~@:{}g thing OFF.
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16 January 2014 03:31 Post ID: #332480 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
At a Scottish Wedding the DJ said
" would all married men stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living"

The Barman was almost crushed.
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16 January 2014 03:46 Post ID: #332481 - in reply to #332427
Mick Jones
20001000500100100100100252525
Husband and wife shopping in sainsbury
He picks up a case of Stella and puts it in the Trolley
"whats do you think you are doing," asks the wife
" £10 for 24 cans, its on offer"
"we can,t afford that, put it back" she says and they carry on shopping
10 minutes later the wife picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley
"what do you think you,re doing" he asks
"its Face cream, it makes me beautiful" she says

"so does 24 cans of stella and its half the price."
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16 January 2014 14:11 Post ID: #332497 - in reply to #332427
Good man leeds75...I cant think of any just now just as well I suppose lol...
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